for everything there is a season

hello! somewhere in my daze of late i've failed to notice, really notice, that as of this weekend it is now spring!

onward.

finally feel like i've moved past residual show-crash...largely to do with the dialogue over these blogs (thank you!) and a lovely conversation with robbyn about using my reactions as feedback for where to talk the art next. thanks, all. i tend to really dive into experiencing hard emotions, then let them through and out. the former came naturally since i was a child; the latter isn't instinctual to me but i've been consciously cultivating the skills for 15 years or so...but more to learn, always.

the other reason i'm ready to move on is i have shit to do! like job searching and getting outside today to enjoy the warmth.



p.s. took this photo in brooklyn in the summer, just a mere few minutes before being screamed at by a stranger!)


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coming to.

both light and dark are happening right now...i might as well end on the positive so here goes. i uploaded this photo last night when i thought of starting a new entry at the witching hour and what turned out to be the end of a month-long insomnia run (hallelujah!!!!). it's from a water tower in central new york...a while ago now, maybe 3 yrs? i'd forgotten all about it. i think i've been checked out the past two days since the show, kind of spent. i remember my first year of college an actor friend telling me after a school production that she had 'post-partum depression' after her play was over, that her stomach literally ached as if she'd given birth. (being childless i guess she didn't know it's more than the stomach that aches...but then again i am childless too so don't ask me.) but now i get what she meant!

i'm also trying not to sink into feeling unsatisfied with how my piece turned out, but it's been hard not to go there. it was so incomplete, despite the crazy amount of stuff. and so overwhelming to deal with so many objects!! i am longing for the most simplest forms now. monochrome. no novels, just haiku.

or, if i ever do set that up again, maybe at the end people just come take what they want, at least. i accumulated a LOT of stuff with my project and organizing it now feels like stuffing a jack-in-the-box back into its box, but an oversized jack that REALLY doesn't want to go back in. very tempted just to drive to the nearest salvation army and drop off all these dolls. or maybe i will just get uber-organized with it into labeled boxes and put it all to rest for a while. but the ideas for it keep coming. i think of some new thing and then just want to scream for it to shut up-- enough already!! this project feels kind of like a monster...mary shelly captured it best, that feeling of birthing something that then has a life of its own. (more birth analogies, god help us all.)



now, on to the positive. i was SO amazed and impressed by all of your work! so many surprises in the final execution. the show came together so nicely-- rich, provocative, beautiful. my only complaint is that we didn't get a chance to kick back after the show and get closure, come down, debrief, however you want to put it, etc...i guess we'll just have to crash otto's show and do it there instead. :)


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a wanna-be e.t.

as you can see, my cat has made friends with the dolls. but i...am feeling overwhelmed. i came back early from my trip (at the tune of $150 cancellation fee per each of the two flights that i had bought to route me back here-- damn those airlines and their schemes!), hoping to get grounded and finish what i set out to do, but i fear my vision for this show is too ambitious. so many small things need to come together, and at each turn i just think of more-- larger-- things i want to do. my task for tonight is to stay with what's here and let what needs to fall away, fall away. for now.

i also have serious questions about my film. i think it's interesting (not 100% done yet), but picturing it in my installation, i'm wondering about overstimulating the viewer. i have 4 senses already engaged with my piece, and one might argue i have the fifth (taste) slightly triggered with the candy medicine that will be on display, so i'm worried i will overwhelm with busy-ness and visual clutter. by the way, i wish i could figure out how to upload a song clip on an entry because i am really excited about the sound element i'm bringing into the hospital. it involves a music box that i found inside one of the dolls (in her stomach when you twist her at the waist) and a vintage kids' xylophone from an antique store in pacifica.

any thoughts about keeping vs. scrapping the film most appreciated!


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